


Definitely Not the Antlers

by faerymorstan



Series: Biscuitverse [5]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Christmas, Crack, Epistolary, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Johnlockary - Freeform, Multi, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Fusion, Parentlock, Polyamory, Pregnancy, Story: The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-02-27 07:09:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerymorstan/pseuds/faerymorstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Anger Management Husband. Short Wife. The Prettiest Male Princess In London. A big old-fashioned family Christmas. </p><p>What could possibly go wrong??</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Big Squishy Furnace

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strangelock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangelock/gifts).



> For strangelock, who has listened to innumerable hours of writer wangst about this story and yet still seems to like the story *and* the writer. Love and Christmas happyflails to you, twinfriend. <3
> 
> For everyone: I'm hoping to post once a week til Christmas, probably on Fridays, possibly on Christmas. Not sure how many chapters there'll be, but I've never left a Biscuitverse story unfinished yet, so I bet we'll stagger to the end one way or another. Don your matching reindeer jumpers, fix yourself a plate of biscuits, and join the dysfunctional family fun. :D 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Been to Tesco yet?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope.**

**Am not even wearing pants.**

**It is not a pants kind of day.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yep. Here now. What do you want?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Rnjog**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I need 250ml glass beakers.**

**Get me three.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Egging**

**Jesus Crisp**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Husband. Darling. Perfect-haired supergenius.**

**Why in the freshest of hells would Tesco sell glass beakers?**

**And what happened to the ones you had??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I want to throw this cycling thing across the ducking room**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

 ******What the hell?**

**Are you feeling all right??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**EGGNOG.**

**The artery-clogging stuff.**

**And yeah, I’m fine.**

**Tremor’s bad today. Might take me a while to type right-handed.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Shit. Take your time. ♥**

**The tremor--is that why you want the eggnog? Stress drinking after work?**

**Getting into holiday things isn’t like you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**May have been in a Mood.**

**May have thrown them at the wall.**

**Not unrelatedly, if you go into 221C, wear shoes.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, I am stressed, but I just… I want to celebrate the holidays properly.**

**Drink eggnog, hang fairy lights, all that stuff.**

**The holidays were always such a shambles in my family.**

**Dad blitzed, Mum pretending nothing was wrong, me and Harry sneaking off to get pissed.**

**I want our kids to have better Christmas memories than ‘that one year we took turns throwing up on the plastic Santa in the garden.’**

**Santa never did bring me any decent presents after that, come to think of it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Santa! What an arsehole.**

**No milk and cookies for him. ;)**

**And you're leagues ahead of your parents. Really.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**I leave you alone for ten minutes….**

**I would get mad at you, but I’m too busy being alarmed that John has Ideas about Christmas.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, no.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, yes.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**So, I was thinking... this’ll be our first Christmas as parents.**

**Might be nice to do something big.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**OH NO.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh?**

**What d’you have in mind?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We could host Christmas this year.**

**Invite all our relatives, have a proper meal, put up a real tree.**

**You know. A big old-fashioned family Christmas.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**So your parents would be there?**

**And Sherlock’s?**

**And Harry?**

**And Clara?**

**And Mycroft?**

**And I’d have to cook for all of them?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That’s what I was picturing, yeah.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That sounds… bloody awful, John.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, I don’t know.**

**It _would_ be awful, but it might be entertaining….**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Entertaining?!**

**Sherlock, I’m waddling around Tesco, trying to ignore the fact that Tall Baby is playing footie with my uterus.**

**Shaun keeps taking off his shoes and socks and throwing them on the floor, which means I have to bend down to get them, and oh, by the way, I’m twenty-four weeks pregnant.**

**My hair smells like barrier cream and banana-coated baby hands.**

**Being jammed into the kitchen at 221B with a gaggle of eggnog-soaked dysfunctional families won’t be entertaining, it’ll be pine-and-bourbon-scented Hell _._**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah. It does sound awful, doesn’t it?**

**It was a rubbish idea.**

**Sorry.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh God.**

**I feel like we kicked his puppy.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We did, in a way.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shit.**

**We’re horrible.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You’re just getting that now?**

**You’re normally so clever.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Double shit.**

**Do you want to bite the bullet, or should I?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We’ll do it.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait.**

**What?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Christmas. Big. Old-fashioned.**

**Mary and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Seriously?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Seriously.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wow.**

**You two are fantastic. :)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:D**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I can’t tell if these are pangs of regret or Tall Baby kicks.**

**Might be Tall Baby kicking me for doing something I’m going to regret, come to think of it.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Even Tall Baby knows that this is a terrible idea.**

**John thinks it’s a good one, though.**

**And we’re going to humour him.**

**Because we’re fantastic.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Really looking forward to the holidays with you two.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And modest? :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I cannot hear you as I am very busy doing important science things.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We can pick out our own tree.**

**Get some tinsel, some ornaments, maybe an angel for the top.**

**Really make it nice.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re watching crap telly, aren’t you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**What? No!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Put up fairy lights inside.**

**Outside, too, if Mrs Hudson’ll let us.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Fibbing, Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson **  
**

**FINE.**

**Yes. I am watching crap telly.**

**While stress eating biscuits.**

**Which we’re now out of, by the way.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mary, have you ever baked a Yule Log?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not yet, love, but I imagine I can figure it out.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Again?**

**Sherlock, you’ve done more stress eating during this pregnancy than I have.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I am _not_ stressed.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fantastic!**

**Oh! And gingerbread.**

**Haven’t had that in ages.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Of course you’re not.**

**You just stare at me in a raw panic every time you think I’m not looking.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Holly sprigs.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I do no such thing.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Maybe a nativity scene on the fireplace mantle.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**_Fibbing,_ Sherlock.**

**You weren’t like this when I was pregnant with Shaun.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**And crackers!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes. Well.**

**You and John made Shaun. I wasn’t even there.**

**Consequently, any harm that came to you during your pregnancy would not be entirely my fault.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We could get a nice copy of ‘The Night Before Christmas’ and read it to Shaun on Christmas Eve. Make a yearly thing out of it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Sherlock.**

**I’m fine.**

**Even if something does go wrong, it won’t be anyone’s fault, much less yours.**

**I promise.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***Someone* could wear the antlers.**

**Under the mistletoe. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**If you insist.**

**Am still maintaining a low-grade panic until Tall Baby is born.**

**And probably after.**

**Come to think of it, I’ve been in one ever since you and John said it was all right for me to think of Shaun as my son.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Are you two even listening??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**That’s because you’re trying to be a good father.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes!**

**Sorry.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Tree, song-y things, DEFINITELY NOT THE ANTLERS, and to all a good night.**

**Got it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Jesus wept. We’ve created a tinsel-and-gingerbread monster.**

**Anyhow, try to relax, Sherlock.**

**I’ll be back soon.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ha ha. :p**

**See you two tonight.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**See you then! ♥**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**With biscuits?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**With biscuits.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**And cigarettes?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**If I have to do this sober, so do you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right.**

**I am going to crawl into bed face-first and stay there until 26 December.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Not without me, you’re not.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I do love sleeping next to you when it’s cold out and you’re pregnant.**

**You’re like a big squishy furnace.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**-_-**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**… whose beauty is unsurpassed and whose kilt is supremely lickable?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Better.**

**Get Mrs H to watch Shaun when we get home and I’ll let you prove it to me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Halfway down the stairs already.**

**HURRY.**


	2. Bah and/or Humbug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary builds gingerbread houses ~~that sink into the swamp,~~ Sherlock shops for the most scientifically sound Christmas display in the history of scientifically sound Christmas displays, and John looks for the perfect tree with Shaun in his arms and his foot in his mouth.

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Just got off the phone with Sherlock’s parents.**

**They’ll be here for Christmas.**

**They even want to come down the week before to stay with us.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Great!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**NO.**

**Make that unhappen.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**_No,_ Sherlock.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, Drama Queen, we’re not uninviting your parents.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Bah and/or humbug.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Which reminds me: Mum and Dad called.**

**They want to come down early, too. Spend some time with Shaun.**

**Harry and Clara will be here on Christmas Eve, though Harry said she’s only coming because ‘it’s going to be a shitshow.’**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God. Where are we going to put all these people?**

**Can’t they get a hotel?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**They could, but that wouldn’t feel like Christmas.**

**I really do want them to stay here with us.**

**We can have breakfast with the grandparents, sit around the fire with them in the evenings. All that good stuff.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, darling, but where is everyone going to sleep?**

**There is absolutely no way I am giving up our bed when I’m this pregnant.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We can put an air mattress in the living room, another in the nursery.**

**There’s the sofa.**

**Mrs H might be willing to let someone kip with her, if it comes to it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**John, these people are OLD.**

**They can’t sleep on sofas and air mattresses.**

**And we already put Mrs H through violin-baby-murder sound hell. I really don’t think we should push her any further.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We’ll figure something else out, then.**

**There **’** s plenty of time. It’ll be fine. :)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**How’s the tree search going?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**DO SOMETHING**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**It's great. :)**

**Shaun’s testing every tree.**

**Mostly by trying to eat them.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I CAN’T**

**I’VE TRIED**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That’s our boy.**

**I still can’t believe you insisted on going to a tree farm in the middle of nowhere and picking it out yourself.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Every time I try to tell him that this entire thing is ridiculous, he looks at me with those crinkly little eyes, and he looks so damned _happy,_ and I just… sort of… can’t.**

**In fact I seem to recall promising him something about the antlers.**

**Regarding me.**

**And the wearing of them.**

**…**

**Bollocks.**

**How does someone so short manage to have so much power over me?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, Mary, I can’t hear you over the sound of a family tradition being built. :p**

**Plus, I told Shaun that he and Dad were here to have some one-on-one time, and he smiled at me and called me ‘Dada.’**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I think that about Shaun all the time.**

**And don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll look fetching in the antlers. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

♥!

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**-_-**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**He shat himself two minutes later, of course.**

**Suppose I have to take the heart-swelling moments with the nappy-swelling.**

**What are you two up to?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**On the hunt for fairy lights.**

**Must determine optimal combination of strings, shapes, colours, et cetera to produce maximum aesthetic appeal and holiday charm.**

**Can’t believe I just said that. Marriage has ruined me.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, I don’t know.**

**You were pretty awful to begin with. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**How do you feel about a combination of C7s (20% by bulb count), C9s (20%), incandescents (10%), and LEDs (50%)?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m testing gingerbread recipes to make houses.**

**First one was so soft the roof caved in and took the walls with it.**

**Next one was so hard it dented the counter.**

**I’d worry that Mrs H will add the repairs to our rent, but with all the damage Sherlock already does, I’m sure we won’t even notice the fee.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Not even sure what most of those mean, to be honest.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**That response is utterly useless.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You’d better stick to bread, Mary.**

**To chocolate bread, perhaps.**

**Just to be safe.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, well.**

**Deal, Princess. :p**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**He said, thinking not at all of himself. :p**

**Why can’t you want me to do something simple for Christmas, John?**

**Maybe a nice straightforward assassination.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Fine.**

**Though I still intend to sulk about your failure to praise my scientific approach to exterior illumination.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, no.**

**Pretty sure Mycroft would be on to you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Please. How do you think I get him to babysit for me last-minute?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Fair enough.**

**Still wish you were out here with us.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god.**

**Of course you trade wetwork for babysitting.**

**Of *course*.**

**Sometimes I can **’t believe that you really wanted kids.****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John, you’re in the _country._**

**On _purpose_.**

**Surely you don’t expect the prettiest male princess in London to subject himself to the wilderness for a mere tree.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**We’re not in the wilderness, smartarse, we’re at a Christmas tree farm.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Like I said: wilderness.**

**Buying decorations now.**

**Are a few symbolic representatives from the family Cervidae sufficient to pull Santa’s sleigh, or do you require eight black-nosed and one red-nosed reindeer?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**The second.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary, answer me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Duly noted.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Hard to type**

**Crying**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shit.**

**Look, don’t… that came out wrong. What I said before.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**On my way home with an inexcusable quantity of seasonally appropriate décor.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**What I meant was, people who do wetwork aren **’t exactly maternal, by and large.****

****So since you choose the work you do, but Shaun was an accident, and you keep **taking jobs even though you're home with him and pregnant again **, I just... sort of... sometimes I'm amazed that you... **.****** **  
******

******I **’m not making this any better, am I?**** ** **

********Shit.** ** ** **

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We’re going to rack up a truly alarming electric bill.**

**Hope the wiring at 221 isn’t as ancient as the wallpaper.**

**Or the landlady.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

**Bit not good.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Pretend I haven't said anything stupid yet.**

**I know you do important work.**

**I know you’re good at it.**

**It’s just, it's hard for me, sometimes, accepting that you can have that side of you and still want to change nappies and stay up with the baby.** ****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**…**

**It’s true, though.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**‘True’ isn’t ‘good’, Sherlock.**

**I *know* you know that.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**And that isn ** **’**** t fair to you, and I **’** m sorry.**

**I love you exactly as you are.**

**You’re amazing with Shaun.**

**I can’t wait to see you be amazing with Tall Baby.**

**I consider it my privilege to be your husband, to raise a family with you.**

**Wetwork and all.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Damn.**

**I hate it when I’m wrong and you’re right.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Wow.**

**You really _do_ realise that you fucked up, don’t you?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. I do.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**That’s all right. I love it enough for both of us.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Going to bug you so hard when you get home.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Gloating doesn’t suit you, John.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And being wrong doesn’t suit you, but you don’t hear me complaining. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**HUG**

**Christ.**

**I’m turning into you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**{:-O**

**RUDE**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**So.**

**Am I off your shit list?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Depends how you do tonight.**

**:p**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Fair enough.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Whoa.**

**Okay, you two.**

**Hold on a minute.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

[File attached: tree.jpg]

**Think Shaun and I might’ve found the Morstan-Holmes-Watson family Christmas tree!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**O merciful Jesus.**

**That thing is practically its own forest.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ooh!**

**It’s lovely.**

**You don’t think it’s a little… full?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Am beginning to suspect that our husband has been kidnapped and replaced with a delusional Christmas elf.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**He certainly has the ears for it….**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, not at all.**

**It’ll look fantastic in the living room.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**He does, doesn’t he?**

**They’re adorable.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m going to find someone to cut it down and tie it to the car.**

**Perfect timing, too. Shaun’s getting fussy. Probably time for a nap.**

**See you two at home tonight!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Ugh. Can’t believe I just said that.**

**Marriage has DEFINITELY ruined me. It’s the only conclusion suited to the evidence.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Looking forward to seeing you, despite your irritating tendency to be right.**

**Laters.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Have a safe trip home.**

**Can’t wait to bug you. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re not ruined, Sherlock, you’re just a drama queen.**

**See you tonight. ♥**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I will respond to your baseless accusation just as soon as I arise from my fainting couch.**

**Til tonight. :-***


	3. Because Sap.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary visits Molly, John wrestles with the tree, and Sherlock injures his pride--and worse, his hair.

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I don’t know why, so don’t ask me, but Greg wants you to look at a hat that he found near a dead goose?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**What?**

**Greg who?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Christ.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Greg... is… Christ?**

**Of Christmas fame??**

**I may have deleted most of what I learnt in church, Short Wife, but I’m quite certain that you’re wrong.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**His name is not Christ, Sherlock.**

**His name is Greg.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**GOLF ROMEO ECHO GOLF**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**???**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Jesus fucking—Molly’s husband.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Wait. Jesus is fucking Molly’s husband?**

**Does Molly know?**

**And isn’t he dead??**

**Jesus, I mean. Not Molly’s husband.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**MOLLY’S HUSBAND WANTS YOU TO LOOK AT THE DEAD GOOSE HAT**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh! You mean Geraldo.**

**Really, Mary.**

**There’s no need for you to resort to riddles.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Okay.**

**So.**

**Putting aside that I *know* you’re taking the piss and that you are COMPLETELY infuriating, can you help him?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope. Can’t. Busy.**

**Hanging fairy lights outside.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**Have you been texting me while you’re at the top of the ladder?**

***With an armful of fairy lights?***

****And a staple gun?****

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**…**

**...**

**… No?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**YOU CAN’T STOP ME**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**TRY TELLING THAT TO GRAVITY**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I WILL**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**AAAAAAAH**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John, make Sherlock stop texting while he’s on the ladder.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, all right.**

**I’ll get to that just as soon as I make him stop being moody.**

**And arrogant.**

**And tall.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Point taken.**

**Though I swear to God, if he falls off that ladder and dies because he’s bloody *texting*, I’m going to kill him.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right.**

**Not even going to ask about the logistics on that one.**

**How’s Greg and Molly’s?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Lovely.**

**Molly and I are making and eating entirely too many biscuits.**

**She’s drinking wine. Haven’t been this jealous of another woman since my best friend’s tits came in before mine did.**

**Greg’s watching Shaun. Hard to say which one of them is smiling more.**

**Did you get the tree up and decorated?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Um.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**‘Um’?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**There’ve been a few… delays.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**To start with, the trunk was too big for the stand.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Is that a euphemism? ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope, unfortunately.**

**Had to run out for new hardware.**

**Then tried to assemble it.**

**Then *actually* assembled it, after tracking down the pieces I’d thrown across the flat.**

**And down the stairs.**

**And out the window.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Aha.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**So I’m finally setting up the tree now. Should be ready to cut the strings and trim the branches soon.**

**Think you could help me with the decorating tomorrow?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Mmm, I don’t know.**

**What’s it worth to you? ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hmm.**

**Footrub?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Interesting.**

**How long?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Twenty minutes?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Thirty *and* we have unconscionably loud sex afterward and you’ve got yourself a tree decorator.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Deal. ;) Can’t wait.**

**Oh god**

**What was that and why are there legs in the window**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**What??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**May have slightly stapled clothes to shingle.**

**May also have kicked over ladder while attempting to free self.**

**May be dangling by sleeve at this very moment.**

**Would not be averse to intervention of Captain Anger Management Husband.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shit. I have to go.**

**See you tonight.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh God.**

**Good luck rescuing him, whatever he’s done.**

**Love you both.** **♥**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Everything all right over there?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes, it’s fine.**

**There was an Incident involving staples and me hanging off the roof like some sort of deranged Christmas decoration but no harm done except to my sleeve.**

**And my pride.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock, are you quite all right?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**So glad you’re all right. <3**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**I don’t know.**

**Are *you* tired of being an obnoxious, nosy git?**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Not really, no.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Am fine. Really.**

**John rescued me.**

**He spent two seconds looking like he was going to cry and two thousand seconds shouting at me about roofs and heart attacks and how if he had to watch me fall off a building and die AGAIN, he would kill me.**

**Not sure how he planned to manage that, logistically speaking.**

**Anyway he wore himself out and we cut the ropes on the tree and it sort of exploded everywhere and possibly broke a few of our possessions and/or windows so I boarded up the holes and swept up the glass while John moved the furniture to make room for the branches and trimmed the tree but it’s still ungodly enormous and now we are in bed and John is asleep.**

**And coated in pine sap.**

**And one of his hands is stuck in my hair.**

**Because sap.**

**Help.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Ugh.**

**I’m fine.**

**What do you want?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You two….**

**I’ll come home soon. Just have to finish feeding Shaun.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**To know that you are safe, of course.**

**Additionally, I have been informed that there are to be… _festivities_ on Christmas Eve.**

**I regret to say that I will attend.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**If you are forced to amputate my hair I will understand but I will also hate you and John forever.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Interesting.**

**Will you be bringing a goldfish?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No one’s going to amputate anything, Drama Queen.**

**I’ll rub some oil into your hair. It’ll be fine.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, no, Sherlock.**

**You’ve accumulated more than enough of those for the both of us, don’t you think?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**If you insist.**

**Also the fairy lights and decorations won’t light.**

**John says that he will investigate tomorrow.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**I take it that the online dating scene hasn’t worked out for you, Mycroft?**

**Or should I say… surroundedbygoldfish1967??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hmm. Did you check the bulbs?**

**All it takes is one of them being burnt out, sometimes.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Breathe a word of this to John and Mary and I will personally see to it that Mummy brings the photos of your pirate years to Christmas Eve.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes.**

**All 25,000 of them.**

**Twice.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Too late.**

**I’ve already hidden the album.**

**You’re getting slow in your old age, brother mine.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You’ve caught it, too.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Damn.**

**In that case, breathe a word of this to John and Mary, and I'll tell them what you bought this morning.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**‘It’? What do you mean, ‘it’?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**:-O**

**That's supposed to be a surprise!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Whatever it is that John has. This Christmas thing.**

**I’m nursing an eleven-month-old, I’m just starting my third trimester, and I’m married to two maniacs who are literally glued together by the Christmas tree.**

**Why, Santa? Why??**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, I'm certain that they'll be surprised.**

**Whether they’ll be _pleased_ is another matter entirely.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Too much rhetorical question-ing, not enough getting-John’s-sticky-hand-out-of-my-luxurious-curls-ing.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**UGH**

**Fine.**

**I won't tell them.**

**But you *owe* me. -_-**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Getting into a cab now.**

**If you’re this snotty to me when I get home, I’m getting out the scissors.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**As you like.**

**Oh—and *do* have a look at what Mary so poetically referred to as ‘the dead goose hat’.**

**I believe that you will find it worth your while.**

**Until Christmas, brother mine.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Have I mentioned lately that you are amazing?**

**Beautiful?**

**Clever?**

**Positively radiant?**

**A damn good shot?**

**An exemplary mother to our son and not-quite-done-baking daughter?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No, Sherlock, you haven’t, but now would be a great time to catch up. :p**

**See you soon.** **♥**


	4. The Tip Of the Dead Goose Iceberg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary bakes and runs--well, walks--through Richmond Park, Sherlock skirts some inconvenient truths, and John spars with siblings and circuit breakers alike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one's a bit brief, but I promise, it's a logical stopping point. Am taking a weekend off and will pick up again next week. See you then! <3

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hello, Tall Husband!**

**Still out with Shaun?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yep. Brought him to the Met with me. Had a text from Gremlin.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good old Gremlin. Tell him I say hi.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Will do.**

**Turns out the dead goose hat was just the tip of the dead goose iceberg.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Eurgh.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Gremlin found a stolen gem in the goose’s neck. Looks like a sapphire. Not sure how it got there.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**EURGH.**

**What is *wrong* with people?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No idea, but it keeps me in business.**

**I’m taking the case, if only to find out who would buy an entire goose.**

**Seems positively anachronistic.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Says the man who wants a fainting couch for Christmas.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That isn’t ‘anachronistic’. It’s merely… what’s the word....**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Melodramatic?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**:-O**

**I am NOT melodramatic.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock, ever since you found out that the grandparents would be here tomorrow, you’ve been calling it ‘G-Day’.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes, because it entails enemy forces invading our shores in frankly alarming numbers.**

**An accurate metaphor, as far as I’m concerned.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Only if you think we’re like the Germans and 221B is like occupied France.**

**Best leave the poetry to John, dear.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh please.**

**You and I both know it’s not safe with him.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I *know*.**

**It’s just, he tries so hard, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, so I just end up… sort of… forgetting to get around to giving him feedback.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Same.**

**I continue to question the wisdom of our promises not to lie to each other. :p**

**Also, speaking of hurt feelings, I presume that you have discovered by now that the Yule log you left out to cool has vanished.**

**But not because I ate it while it was still hot.**

**I didn’t.**

**Perhaps it was John.**

**Or Shaun.**

**Chubby little schemer, that one.**

**Unrelatedly I can assure you that the recipe you were testing makes a perfectly adequate cake.**

**And that I have a stomachache and my fingertips are the tiniest bit burnt.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God. You ridiculous man.**

**I’ll bring you home some ginger tea.**

**And Shaun is *not* chubby.**

**He’s just… solid.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**‘Solid’. Right.**

**So you are not, in fact, at home.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**I’m about to get a massage. Meeting Molly for lunch and a walk through Richmond Park after.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Ah.**

**And you were not aware that someone had eaten the Yule log even after you expressly asked someone not to.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hadn’t a clue, til you brought it up.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bollocks.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hoisted by your own petard. :p**

**And fine, Sherlock, you win. Shaun *is* chubby.**

**But I swear to God, if you ever make him feel bad about it, I will tear into you like a starving lioness into a gazelle.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I imagine that that metaphor was not intended to be as arousing as it… ah….**

**I won’t make him feel bad about his weight. I promise.**

**Though do feel free to treat me as per your previous text.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You are *impossible*.**

**Have to go, they’ve just called me in. Later.**

**… Gazelle. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**IF YOU THINK THIS MEANS THAT I WILL WEAR THE ANTLERS THEN YOU ARE SADLY oh God not totally wrong actually that sounds rather…**

**Um.**

**You have ruined me and I hate you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**;-***

 

*****

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Oi! Wanker!**

**You free?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Yeah, I am.**

**And we’re doing fine getting the flat ready for Christmas, don’t need any help, thanks for asking.**

**Arsehole. :p**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**What, and you’re not one? Who d’you think I learned it from? :p**

**Speaking of Christmas….**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Yeah? You bailing already?**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Nope.**

**Just wanted to give you one last warning that this whole ‘family Christmas’ thing is a piss-poor idea.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Oh Christ.**

**Remind me why I invited you?**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Because you get on with Clara?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Sounds about right.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**And because you’re my favourite brother.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Harry, I’m your *only* brother.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Yeah, all right. That too. :p**

**Anyway, John, this Christmas thing you’ve got planned?**

**It’s gonna be a disaster.**

**Mum thinks that you’re gay and lying to yourself about it, Dad thinks that you’re straight and having some sort of mid-life crisis, and both of them think that including Sherlock in your marriage is completely mental.**

**And you are inviting these people into your home.**

**For a week.**

**A WEEK.**

**Jesus wept, Johnny.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Yeah, no, I know, Mum and Dad can be pains in the arse.**

**And that Christmas was awful when we were growing up.**

**It’s going to be different this time, though. Really.**

**Mum and Dad’ve promised to behave.**

**I put up the tree, and Mary decorated it, and it looks amazing.**

**We brought in a couple of sofa beds so there’ll be room for the parents.**

**Mary planned the menu.**

**Sherlock hung the fairy lights.**

**Which won’t light, actually, which I’ve been trying to fix all fucking day, and I’m ready to fucking murder our piece-of-shit wiring.**

**But that’s beside the point, which is that this is going to be the cosy, old-fashioned family Christmas that you and I never got to have, and Shaun and Tall Baby will, and their Christmas memories are going to be full of relatives and food and presents and fairy lights and crackers and roaring fires and everyone is going to get along and no one is going to puke on *any*thing, goddammit.**

**….**

**Oh no.**

**I’m Mum, aren’t I?**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Pretty sure Mum isn’t bi and doesn’t have a dick, but yeah.**

**Short, irritable, acts like everything is JUST FINE THANKS when it’s completely gone to hell: you’re definitely Mum.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Shit.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Aw, keep your chin up. Better that than turning out like Dad and me. :p**

**And John--‘Tall Baby’???**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**God, sorry, I just… sorry.**

**Mary’s in charge of the names, and she hasn’t said what this one will be called.**

**So we call her Tall Baby because Sherlock’s the father, and tall, and an arsehole who likes to take the piss out of me about being short.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Oho.**

**You know, Johnny, one thing I appreciate about you is that you make me feel like my marriage is normal.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Oh, sod off.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Love you too, big brother. :p**

**I hope I’m wrong about Christmas.**

**I hope it’s everything you want.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**Thanks, Hairball.**

**Looking forward to seeing you next week.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**… but we both know our family’ll fuck it up. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Harry Watson

**DAMMIT HARRY**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Ciao!**

**:-***


	5. Facedown in the Eggnog and Dead of Embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary gives herself an early Christmas present, Sherlock solves a riddle and whatever it may look like does NOT wet his pants, and John throws a wobbly--and a beloved Christmas icon.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh no.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh no?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes.**

**Or, rather, no.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**If you’ve just bollocksed up something in your lab and we’re all about to die, know that you’re a fucking idiot and that I love you very, very much.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course I haven’t made a mistake.**

***Honestly*, John.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Then what’s wrong?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**A car’s just pulled up to the kerb.**

**A black car.**

**That looks awfully like something Mycroft would send.**

**And four people who resemble our parents are making a beeline for our front steps.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh! Fantastic.**

**Let them in, would you?**

**The Shit Volcano’s just erupted.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Couldn’t possibly.**

**They’ll all four want to talk at me for ages.**

**Meanwhile I am in the middle of analysing the hat that Grindlewald found in hopes of finding its owner and perhaps the person who played hide-the-gemstone with the dead goose.**

**Not that I particularly want to know, but if the alternative is being blathered at by my parents, then hat analysis it is.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fine.**

**You can change Shaun’s nappy, and I’ll let the parents in.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

**THEY’RE KNOCKING**

**ANSWER THE DAMN DOOR**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**STOP YELLING**

**YOU’RE UPSETTING THE SCIENCE**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh for Christ’s sake.**

**Mary, love, if you’re awake, would you answer the door?**

**Sherlock’s too Sherlock to bother, and I’ve got to rescue Shaun from his own shit.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Can’t**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

**THIS IS YOUR DDAD**

**OH BUGGER**

**WHY IS IT DOING THIS**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Why not?**

**You okay?**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh there your mum fixed it**

**Good thing you take after her ha ha**

**We are here!!!!**

**:) :D ;) :-***

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fine**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh Lord. Do excuse the facial gymnastics.**

**Your father’s just discovered emoticons.**

**Can’t help himself, the poor dear.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**So… you’re awake.**

**In our bedroom.**

**And you’re fine.**

**And you won’t answer the door.**

**And neither will Sherlock because he would rather examine a dead goose hat than talk to our parents.**

**Am I the only person in this marriage who’s not *completely* mental???**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock this is your dad again**

**Sorry to be a bother but it really is chilly out here**

**Could you let us in**

**Where is the question mark on this thing**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

[File attached: midwank.jpg]

**Can’t**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh.**

**Tight.**

***Right***

**Fucking hell auto erect**

**AAAAAAAA**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**William Sherlock Scott Holmes, I am *positive* that you are ignoring us.**

**Don’t make me embarrass you in front of your family.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nngh.**

**Definitely can’t answer the door *now*.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Two minutes from best orgasm in months**

**Parents can wait**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Son not to worry you but your mother is picking the lock**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

**Sherlock, what was that sound, and why was it in such a godawful kick-to-the-stones falsetto?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Tall husband are you dying**

**If so get John am so close fuck fuck fuuuuuuck**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Poured bucket of cold water on erection.**

**Erection departed.**

**Also dignity.**

**Answering door now.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

**In sopping wet pyjamas?**

**What in god’s name are you going to say??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Already said. Easy.**

**Welcomed them to London, wished them a merry Christmas, explained that did not urinate on self but merely applied cold water to penis so as not to answer door while erect, invited them in.**

**They are heading up.**

**Looking slightly horrified.**

**Perhaps the wait upset them?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Well.**

**At least this cannot possibly get worse.**

**Oh god what was that**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, well done, Mary.**

**Haven’t heard you come like that since that time I sat in my chair, you sat on my cock, and John ate you out.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Which time?**

**The one with the vibrator, or the one with the nipple clamps?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**The clamps.**

**Definitely the clamps.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yoohoo!**

**Was that a murder or a murder sound?**

**Really can’t tell the difference with you lot.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Martha Hudson, Sherlock Holmes

**Murder sound, Mrs H.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh good.**

**Carry on!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right.**

**Our son is crawling on the living room rug in his nappy.**

**Our parents are taking turns asking why we can’t be bothered to dress him.**

**Our landlady just checked to make sure that we’re getting fucked and not killed.**

**If either of you need me, I’ll be facedown in the eggnog and dead of embarrassment.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Before you die, bring me some dry pyjama bottoms.**

**Am chafing in places I do not want chafed without a partner and a safeword.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

[File attached: afterglow.jpg]

**Staying in bed til I look less like this and more like someone who didn’t just frighten the landlady.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Bugger the parents.**

**Be right up.**

**Will bring Sherlock. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:D**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Where ARE you?? I could really use some backup.**

**I’m trying to bake biscuits, but Moira’s invaded the kitchen and keeps trying to convince me that ‘her’ John only married me ‘to protect his reputation.’**

**She feels ‘so sorry’ for me because John will eventually tell me that my vagina and I are repulsive, then divorce us both.**

**Well.**

**That’s not *exactly* what she said, but.**

**Promise me you won't tell John.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Either of you have new ideas about how to fix these bloody lights?**

**They still won’t work. STILL.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Thought we weren't supposed to lie?**

**Will convince Moira to help my mother with that gazillion-piece Christmas tree puzzle.**

**And then convince my mother not to verbally eviscerate Moira for her stupidity.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Pretty sure I've checked every single one of these godforsaken bulbs at LEAST three times.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**We're not 'lying', Sherlock.**

**We're just... not telling all of the truth.**

**And wait. ‘Up’?**

**Where *are* you?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Checked the wiring.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mrs H’s flat. She’s letting me use it to question Henry.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Checked the fuses.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Who the fuck is Henry??**

**If Henry is Greg, I swear to God....**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Tested each and every bloody extension cord.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**No, no, no.**

**Henry is Henry Baker, owner of the dead goose hat.**

**And also of the dead goose.**

**Don’t think he knew about the stone, though.**

**Will test hypothesis after removing John’s mum from your kitchen.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not even Santa and the reindeer are working.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**HURRY**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**It's like the electric's not even *on*.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Uhoh.**

***That* doesn't look like holiday cheer....**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**What??**

**Oh Christ why did a dented Santa and two of eight tiny reindeer just fly past the window**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John's latest attempt to make them light up appears to involve drop-kicking them.**

**OH.**

**Be up in a flash.**

**Have a Short Husband to de-enrage.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**For fuck's sake, hurry!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**MARY**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh God why is there suddenly daylight**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That's not daylight, Mary.**

**That's the miracle of exterior illumination. ;)**

**Anyway Moira is now working on the puzzle with my mother, who is more or less behaving.**

**Hamish and my father are sitting by the fire, complaining about politicians and watching Shaun pull himself to his feet and wobble along the edge of the sofa.**

**All is well.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

 **…** **But?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**EVERYONE**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**But Moira told me the same thing she told you, at which point Hamish pulled me aside and said that no, no, John won’t leave *you*, he’ll leave *me*.**

**Because John isn’t A Gay, you see.**

**He’s A Normal Bloke Who’s Just Been Swept Away By All This Glamorous Crimesolving Business.**

**Hamish said he didn’t have anything against me. He just wanted me to be prepared.**

**Promise me you won't tell John.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Come see!!!!!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Knew you'd come around.**

**And you're the one who fixed the lights, aren't you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**The switch that controls the exterior outlets is in Mrs H's flat.**

**I simply flipped it on.**

**Will let John think he did it, though.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I love you, Tall Husband.**

**Let's go freeze our arses off and tell John how clever he is.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Meet you by what's left of the reindeer.**

**;-***


	6. All of the Murders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes a boring trip to the Tower of London and an exciting trip to his own front door, Mary sees a milestone and sees something else coming a mile away, and Sherlock finds something even more embarrassing than the dancing reindeer jumper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eta: changed the chapter title, didn't like it. capricious writer is capricious. :p

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh my God.**

**John.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I can explain.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**… Oh?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**While you were shopping with the parents, I went up to the attic to hide some presents, but I missed a step and fell through the ceiling.**

**Which is why the bed is covered in, well.**

**Um.**

**Ceiling.**

**I’ll clean it up and patch the hole when I get home, swear to god.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Interesting.**

**Not what I was going to bring up, seeing as I haven’t been in the bedroom since I came home, but good to know all the same.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh shit.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Funny you should say that.**

**Shaun’s just said his first word. :D**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh my god!!!**

**Can’t believe I missed it.**

**What’d he say?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He was in his high chair eating a bit of yoghurt, and he knocked the bowl onto the floor.**

**Splattered everywhere. You can imagine.**

**And he looked down, frowned, and said, ‘Shit.’**

**I mean, it came out a bit like ‘sit’, but it was pretty clear what he meant.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, *shit*.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Sherlock laughed himself purple.**

**And Shaun is definitely your son. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Is it wrong that I’m still really proud of him?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Not a bit. ♥**

**How’s the Tower?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m bored out of my mind, but my parents are thrilled, so.**

**Worth it, I think.**

**Fairly sure they’re trying to work out how to take the Crown Jewels home with them.**

**Good job Moriarty’s gone, they’d probably have helped him nick them if it meant they’d get a cut. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Ha. Glad it’s going well. :)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It really is.**

**I think they might finally be coming to terms with me being married to more than one person.**

**One of whom is….**

**You know.**

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah.**

**Still not sure either of them are convinced that he really fathered Tall Baby--they said he’s ‘gay as a maypole’--but they also said all kinds of nice things about both of you and how I should be sure to be honest with you.**

**So that was encouraging.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m so glad you feel that way.**

**Have to go, I have to take care of Shaun while Sherlock and his parents get dressed for tonight.**

**Really happy you’re having a good time. Love you so much. ♥**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, you too, but is something wrong?**

**Seems a bit intense, you talking like that.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**No, no, everything’s fine.**

**Bye. ♥ ♥ ♥**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

**Fixed the ceiling, all’s well there, but.**

**Quick question.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I cannot answer as I am at this godforsaken show and texting is not allowed lest it disrupt the aural rubbish they are ill-advisedly attempting to pass off as music.**

**Also I am never speaking to you again.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, no, you’re gonna have to.**

**I need to ask you something.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes well you will have to wait until I do not hate you because YOU MADE ME GO TO ‘CATS’**

**WITH MY PARENTS**

**IN THE DANCING REINDEER JUMPER**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s all they wanted for Christmas.**

**Suck it up, Drama Queen.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John, you do not understand the gravity of the situation.**

**My mother took pictures of me and texted them to her friends ‘to show them that you look a proper dad now.’**

**My father hums along whenever something called ‘** **Mungojerrie’ sings.**

**I am going to do all of the murders.**

**ALL OF THEM.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No you’re not.**

**You’re going to sit down, shut up, and give your parents a nice night-before-Christmas-Eve without pissing and moaning about it.**

**That’s an *order*.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**….**

**Did you mean for those statements to induce arousal in their recipient?**

**Because they.**

**Um.**

**Yes.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yes *what*?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes, Sir.**

**I will sit down and shut up and et cetera, Sir.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good, Sherlock.**

**Very good. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes.**

**Well.**

**Now that you have made my pants feel entirely too small, what was it you needed to ask me?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Brothers.**

**You only have the one, right?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Um.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**‘Um’??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Two, actually.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh Christ.**

**Of *course*.**

**Of *course* you bloody do.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Sherrinford.**

**Twin.**

**Fraternal.**

**Last I heard, he was faffing about somewhere in America.**

**Someplace called Portland?**

**I shudder to think what prompted you to ask about him.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, nothing, really.**

**Just the enormously tall git in the enormously stupid plaid hat who’s standing on our front steps with an enormous brindle bulldog.**

**Who’s wearing a Christmas jumper.**

**And a bow tie.**

**And her name, according to Sherrinford, is Radstone.**

***Radstone*, Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh God.**

**He’s here.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Says he’s come as a Christmas surprise for your family.**

**Should I let him in??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**If you like.**

**He’s harmless enough, though he may bore you to death.**

**He’s as lazy as Mycroft and as bad an addict as me, though he prefers caffeine to nicotine.**

**Do guard the coffee.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Got it.**

**I’ll keep him entertained til you get home.**

**Enjoy your evening. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Only if that’s an order.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**’Course it is.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Then I am positively overjoyed.**

**….**

**No. That is a lie.**

**I cannot possibly enjoy this evening.**

**It is viscerally awful on a magnitude I have never before experienced, and I grew up with *Mycroft*.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**All right, then.**

**Make it through your awful evening without being a complete dick, and I’ll make sure that you enjoy your night. ;)**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Which one of you has been sexting my son?**

**Not that I object to it--in fact it’s quite nice that you’ve stayed passionate about each other after the baby--but it *has* been amusing to watch him squirm when he thinks he’s being subtle.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Son why can’t you sit still**

**Are you doing some sort of sex thing on your mobile**

**Or is it haemorrhoids**

**If it’s haemorrhoids don’t worry your mother has some preparation h in her purse**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Louise Vernet Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**How awkward. So sorry.**

**Wasn’t me, I’m training some new people at work.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: S. William Holmes

**NONONO**

**DAD**

**NO.**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Well well.**

**Sherlock clearly still fancies you, John. ;)**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh I had that same problem the other day**

**The one with the capital letters**

**Your mum fixed it but I don’t remember how she did it sorry**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Okay. Yeah. Not going to panic.**

**Just going to change my name, move to South America, and start a new life.**

**Tell Shaun and Tall Baby that I love them.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: S. William Holmes

**WATCH THE DAMN CATS AND ALSO THIS NEVER HAPPENED**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Shush. This marriage is only big enough for one drama queen, and it’s definitely Sherlock.**

**:p**

**You’re going to stay right here, John, and everything is going to be fine.**

**Also if you leave me alone and pregnant on Christmas with a houseful of family I swear to God I will hunt you down and make you pay, South America or no South America.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ah so it IS a sex thing on your mobile**

**No shame in that**

**You should see the letters your mother and I used to write each other**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That’s kind of a turn-on, actually.**

**You hunting me down.**

**Think I’d be a challenge for you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh thank Christ just got a call back from the man who sold Henry Baker the goose.**

**Meet me in Covent Garden as soon as possible, if not sooner.**

**Will text you the address.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I love a challenge.**

**Sometimes I even get off on them. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**On my way.**

**And thank god for that, because Radstone’s already drooled all over Dad’s trousers and drunk half the water from the tree.**

**Sherrinford got into the coffee while I was changing Shaun, and now he’s talking to my parents VERY VERY QUICKLY about Christmas-themed lattes.**

**Sherrinford, not Shaun.**

**Shaun’s still limited to ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ and ‘shit’.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Have to go meet Sherlock in Covent Garden about a goose but when we’re all back you can get off on me all you Wanda. ;)**

**WAND**

**Hell and death fuck this fucking**

**Sorry. So sorry.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**That seems a perfectly adequate vocabulary for most of Shaun’s interactions.**

**Laters.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**It’s all right. I quite like your wand. ;)**

**Good luck goose-ing.**

**… That came out wrong.**

**Good luck.** **♥**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sounded fine to me. ;)**

**See you tonight. :)**


	7. Chock Full of Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes charge, Sherlock takes off, and both of them take every last bit of Mary's patience.

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mistletoe?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Check.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Exterior lights on?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Check.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***Interior* lights on?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Check.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Tree watered and lit?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Check and check.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Crackers?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**On the kitchen table with the eggnog and biscuits.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Carols?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Playing at an appropriate volume.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fireplace?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Chock full of fire.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Night Before Christmas?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sitting on the mantle to read tonight.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Billy the skull?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**In a Santa hat. Looks festive.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Radstone?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Appears to be guarding Shaun from the Christmas tree.**

**And drooling.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Shaun?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**In his Christmas romper and asleep on Radstone.**

**Also drooling.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That’s our boy.**

**Sherlock pried out of his 221C hiding place, antlers on?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**For God’s sake, John, everything is FINE.**

**Mary and I are brilliant and we have done a brilliant job. Stop fussing.**

**I hope you aren’t attempting to drive while you go all Captain Christmas Management Husband on us.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nope. Harry’s driving and Mum and Dad and Clara are talking nonstop.**

**And you didn’t answer my question, Sherlock: you upstairs and wearing antlers??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

[File attached: ohforfuckssake.jpg]

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Very nice.**

**Even if you *are* still hiding downstairs.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m not ‘hiding’, John.**

**I’m waiting for one of my homeless network to deliver me the current location of the man who hid the stone in the goose.**

**Humbug.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right. :p**

**And hey, I wanted to ask you, why don’t you like Sherrinford?**

**I mean, yeah, he’s a bit chatty, and our sofa smells sort of like Starbucks set up shop in an animal shelter now he’s slept on it, but he’s not so bad for all that.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**He *does* work at an animal shelter.**

**Your powers of observation have improved.**

**Must be my influence.**

**;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ha, ha.**

**Seriously though: what’s so bad about him?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**He’s just….**

**He’s so….**

**Mycroft and I have never understood why he….**

**He’s *happy*.**

**Always has been.**

**It’s revolting.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ah.**

**Real bastard, then. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes.**

**Well.**

**When I was younger, I found Sherrinford’s effortless mastery of happiness… irksome.**

**It's a skill I have only recently begun to develop, happiness.**

**I blame you and Mary and the Shit Volcano.**

**I even blame Tall Baby, and I’ve only seen her in scans.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh.**

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Darlings, I’m glad that you two are not-entirely-not-talking-in-fact-almost-slightly-talking with each other about your feelings, truly I am, but I could really use Sherlock’s help?**

**There’s a roomful of family to keep entertained, a dog and a baby to watch, and a Christmas dinner that isn’t going to cook itself.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

**Be right up.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry.**

**Be home soon.**

**Mum and Dad are still behaving, believe it or not.**

**Let’s hope this holds. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You *did* put plenty of brandy in the eggnog, right?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It would probably catch fire if I dropped a match in it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good.**

**John’s going to need it.**

**So am I, but I’ll have to make do without.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Staying sober with you in solidarity.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You know, you may not often tell me that you love me, but you have your ways.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shh.**

**I am a reasoning machine. No emotion here.**

**;)**

**Coming up. Bringing Hudders.**

**And possibly matches.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**-_-**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Please. As though you wouldn’t love a good incendiary centrepiece.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**-_____-**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**FINE**

**Will leave the matches here.**

**… Boring Wife. :p**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**-________________-**

**:p**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m up to my eyeballs in cranberries and chestnut stuffing and Brussel sprouts and what I hope to Christ will become gravy because so far it’s just a gelatinous turkey-based ooze.**

**Unless something is actually on fire, *and* Sherlock’s not the one who set it, I don’t care.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nothing’s on fire except the fireplace, but I really think you’re going to care.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh God.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What the hell is happening out there??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mycroft’s here.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, John, he is.**

**Probably because--oh yeah--*we invited him*.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**He’s not alone.**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Funny, John and Sherlock don’t seem to have expected that Myc would bring Greg and Molly.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Louise Vernet Holmes

**….**

**….**

**… Greg and Molly *Lestrade*???**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Your husbands can’t seem to close their mouths.**

**They look quite the pair of goldfish.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh. My. God.**

**Mum and Dad just asked if all the Holmes brothers have more than one spouse.**

**Sherrinford said no, he’s with some girl in a… hold on, I’m going to get this wrong.**

**A monogamous… ace and arrow… squish??**

**What does that even *mean*???**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Louise Vernet Holmes

**I’m a bit surprised myself, to tell you the truth.**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh!**

**Sorry, Mary.**

**I thought you knew.**

**Myc hasn’t much time for romance, of course, but Greg and Molly don’t mind.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I have absolutely no idea.**

**All I know is that I’m a married father of almost-two, Harry is both within arm’s reach of the eggnog and stone cold sober, and Mycroft is dating the least inadequate DI *and* the most adequate pathologist I have ever known.**

**We have arrived at some sort of surrealist Christmas hell.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Did either of you know about them??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope.**

**You?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hadn't a clue.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Molly’s just said that she's wanted to tell us, but Mycroft wanted to surprise us today.**

**Ugh.**

**He’s always been a drama queen.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not sure you’re one to talk about dramatic pots, Kettle.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**{:-O**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Speaking of pots and kettles, dinner’s almost ready.**

**Get everyone to the table and arranged so that no one is likely to kill anyone, would you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**On it.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Everything smells great.**

**Can’t wait to tuck in. :D**

**Huh.**

**Was that the doorbell?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Back in a flash.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***Sherlock*.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**It’s Billy.**

**From the homeless network, not the skull.**

**He’s found the stone thief!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**WILLIAM SHERLOCK SCOTT HOLMES IF YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE BEFORE CHRISTMAS DINNER I SWEAR TO GOD**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Come along, John.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**John?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***Really* sorry, Mary, but I can’t let him go on his own.**

**You know how he gets.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You are SO lucky that I have to pretend in front of family that I’m not screaming at you by text.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We really are, aren’t we?**

**Don’t worry. We won’t be long.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, Mary.**

**Duty calls.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh you absolute shits.**

**Don’t you DARE get yourselves killed on Christmas.**

 

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Oh good Lord.**

**She’s going to kill them, isn’t she?**

**Not that I blame her, but dealing with the aftermath is so tedious, and anyway, statistically speaking, she *would* regret it.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: Louise Vernet Holmes

**No, no.**

**She’s far too smart for that, and anyway, she’s wild about them both.**

**Inexplicable, as far as I’m concerned, but then there’s no accounting for taste.**

From: Louise Vernet Holmes

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Ah. I see.**

**She's not going to kill them.**

**She’s just going to make them pay.** **;)**


	8. Bloody Big Ribbons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary gets her own back, and John and Sherlock get pwned.

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Oi! Wanker!**

**Not that I don’t love it when you’re more of a fuckup than I am, but you’re currently being a *massive* fuckup.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Son not to worry you but Mary doesn’t seem very happy with you**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock!**

**Your mother may not know quite how to talk to you, but I do, and let me tell you, young man, you are *well* out of line.**

**You and John had better come home right this instant.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Mary’s pissed as hell.**

**She’s been staring daggers at your empty chairs all through dinner.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**She just told everyone that**

**Hold on this is going to take me a long time to type**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**With all the ridiculous things you two put Mary through, the very least you could do for her is be here for dinner.**

**And her as pregnant as she is!**

**You should be ashamed of yourselves.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Dad’s been hitting the eggnog pretty hard and Mom’s smile is getting more brittle by the minute.**

**I’d give them about half an hour before the verbal diarrhoea starts.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**If any of us needed a last minute gift idea for her then we could ‘go out to whatever godforsaken corner of London my husbands have buggered off to and pull them away from their happy little manhunt and bring them back here with bloody big ribbons on their bloody big heads so I can tell them to their faces what a pair of no-good pregnant-wife-abandoning Christmas-dinner-ruining family-ignoring promise-breaking inexcusable irredeemable inexplicable sacks of weasel shit they are’**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**She’s absolutely beside herself, the poor thing, and I don’t blame her one bit.**

**Are you even checking your mobile??**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**On a happier note, it looks like Clara has fallen in love with Shaun.**

**They’ve been playing peek-a-boo all evening, and Clara’s just asked me if I ever think about adopting, now that I have my shit together and we’re on solid footing.**

**Damn you for having such a fucking cute baby.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Then she asked for the paracetamol**

**Think you are in what Sherrinford would call ‘deep shit’**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Of course you aren’t.**

**Well.**

**You’re in for it when you come home, and I can’t say that I feel a bit sorry for you.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Also, did Sherrinford tell you that Radstone isn’t even his dog??**

**Yeah. She’s one of the shelter mutts.**

**He’s hoping you’ll adopt her.**

**He says that in Portland, she’s ‘not pretty enough for the people who want a nice-looking dog, and not ugly enough for the people who want an ironic-looking one.’**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Son are you getting these messages**

**Maybe I did it wrong**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll leave you to it, but I’ll tell you one thing:**

**You had better have a damned good apology ready when you come through that door, Sherlock Holmes.**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Mary told him that since Radstone is so good with Shaun and Shaun is so happy with Radstone, they’re going to keep her, and if you or Sherlock have a problem with that, you can go to hell.**

**Can’t imagine you objecting to a dog, but then again, til tonight, I couldn’t’ve imagined you bailing on your own Christmas dinner.**

**Arsehole.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Bugger**

**Thought I was learning**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Anyway.**

**Obviously you’re not even looking at your mobile, so fuck you very much, and I’m going to focus on this plate of Christmas pudding.**

**Mary looked WAY too happy to light it, I’ll tell you that much.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh well**

**See you when you get home**

**Oh wait maybe you’re not checking your messages**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Ahahaha hold on, the diarrhoea begins.**

**Dad’s just asked Will and Louise if they’re aware that you don’t really love Sherlock, and Mum’s trying to ‘fix’ it by reassuring them that no, you *only* love Sherlock, it’s Mary you’re just putting up with so you don’t look gay.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You know I would have thought it was impossible but things just got worse**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Mrs H is telling Mum and Dad that they’re both idiots, Clara’s agreeing with her, Will and Louise are looking at Mum and Dad like they have three heads, Mum’s insisting that there’s no way you’re really Shaun’s father because you’re gay, *both* Mum and Dad are insisting that there’s no way Sherlock is really the new baby’s father because *Sherlock* is gay, Sherrinford’s slunk away from the table, Mycroft looks amused, Greg looks like he has no idea what’s going on, Molly looks like she wants to cry, and Mary looks like she wants to murder all of us.**

**Only Shaun looks happy.**

**Whoops. Nope. Shaun’s crying now.**

**He’s just pissed himself on Clara’s lap.**

**Your Christmas is a total fucking nightmare, Johnny.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**This is a disaster but I must say it’s an entertaining one and your mother and I do love a good show**

**Sorry you’re missing out**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh my God.**

**Mary yelled at everyone to shut up.**

**Now she’s telling Mum and Dad, in excruciating detail, *exactly* how you and Sherlock each knocked her up.**

**Never mind anything I said about tonight being a mess.**

**This is AMAZING.**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Son it sounds like you finally figured out the whole sex thing**

**Good on you**

 

From: Harry Watson

To: John Watson

**Have to go. I don’t want to miss a moment of this shitshow.**

**Bye!**

 

From: S. William Holmes

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Hope you are having fun wherever you are**

**I am going to go**

**I don’t want to miss any of this ridiculousness**

**Bye**

 

*

 

From: Sherrinford Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

[File attached: bloodybigribbons.jpg]

**Merry Christmas, Mary!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherrinford Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You actually….**

**How on earth did you find them??**

 

From: Sherrinford Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Mycroft and Sherlock aren’t the only smart ones. ;)**

**Radstone helped, too. She’s good at tracking scents.**

**We’re in a cab now. I’m bringing them home.**

**Want me to give them back their mobiles so you can give them a good shouting at?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherrinford Holmes

**Yes, go ahead, that’s… that’s fine.**

**I still can’t believe you actually hunted them down and managed to put those bows on their heads.**

**Didn’t they fight you??**

 

From: Sherrinford Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**A bit, yeah, at first.**

**Once I convinced them that it was their best chance at not getting divorced once they showed up at home, they went along with it. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherrinford Holmes

**Wow.**

**That’s… you’re… thank you?**

 

From: Sherrinford Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**My pleasure.**

**I’ve been wanting to do something like this for YEARS. :D**

**I think my favorite part’s that Sherlock forgot to take the antlers off before he left the house.**

**You should’ve seen his face when he saw the photo I took. He was in SUCH a strop. ^_^**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherrinford Holmes

**Ahaha, I can only imagine.**

**And sorry about earlier.**

**Got a bit carried away, I’m afraid.**

 

From: Sherrinford Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It’s all right. Happens to the best of us, and this family’s not exactly easy.**

**Merry Christmas. <3**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mary, I’m so sorry.**

**I shouldn’t’ve left you.**

**It was fucking idiotic, and you deserve better, and I hope you’ll forgive me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary.**

**I don’t know what to say.**

**No. That is a lie.**

**I *do* know, it’s just that it’s hard for me to say it.**

**I saw an opportunity to solve the case and I got carried away and I left you and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.**

**There. That’s better.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Did you find the thief?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We did.**

**Not going to turn him in.**

**The gem is safe, I’m sure that the man won’t commit another crime, and prison would only turn someone who could become a good person into a bitter one.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Well.**

**That’s a lovely bit of Christmas compassion.**

**I’m proud of you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**… Really?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Really.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You aren’t mad?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, I was mad.**

**Really, REALLY mad.**

**But I think we’re even now.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**What do you mean, ‘we’re even’?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god.**

**Looks like Harry texted me about it.**

**I’ll catch Sherlock up.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh no.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**And we’re keeping Radstone.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Acceptable.**

**She tracked our scent tonight. Could be useful on cases.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait, what?**

**You’ve always said you didn’t want a dog.**

**What changed your mind?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll tell you when you get home.**

**See you soon.**

**Idiots. **♥****

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Thanks for not hating us.**

**Can’t wait to hold you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**OH NO**

**Just saw that my dad texted me during dinner.**

**It--he--you--....**

**D:}**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll leave you two to it.**

**As Sherlock would say, ‘Laters’. ;)**

 

*

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John looks so handsome in the firelight, doesn’t he?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**He does.**

**Can’t believe he really read ‘The Night Before Christmas’ to us all, *and* that everyone shut up and listened.**

**And I swear, Tall Baby recognises his voice the same way she does yours.**

**She starts flailing around when either of you talk to her.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**She’s probably trying to escape from us. :p**

**Everyone’s left or gone to bed, yes?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yep.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Shaun’s down for the night?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yep yep.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Think you and John and I might retire upstairs?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sounds lovely.**

**I can give you your Christmas presents. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**And I can give you yours. ;) ;)**

**Wait. Did you get me a candy cane dildo, too?**

**Because *that* would just be embarrassing.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**BAHAHAHA**

**You arse.**

**No, I didn’t.**

**I figured I’d be generous and tell you and John Tall Baby’s name.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**!!!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Meet you under the covers.**

**Merry Christmas, love.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Merry Christmas, Mary.**

**We did it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**♥**


End file.
